Stillness...

Today was my first official day of unemployment. And although this break from work was something I have longed for for some time, I absolutely did not know what to do. So besides having lunch with a dear friend, guess what I did...

...I went to the office for a few hours, hung out with my staff friends, texted a bunch of kids, prepped the Bible Study I was teaching tonight, and seriously counted down the minutes until I got to leave my house and that Bible Study began! 

Looks like my dad's prediction about my summer is on its way to becoming a reality.... me doing the same old thing, essentially working and just no longer getting paid for it!  And to be quite honest, I wouldn't really mind. I said in my initial interview for this job that I would do it all for free, and I really meant it. And I guess now, here is my chance!

Note: I did also try to see what sort of deal I could swing where they wouldn't have to pay me, but I could keep the church credit card for all my future contact work with kids. Needless to say, in light of a budget crunch and a bad economy and let's face it, the utter ridiculousness of my request, that was a no go. Oh, well, worth a shot, right!?!?

But in all seriousness, today really did get me thinking about the idea of stillness and rest. Why after I had been longing for this rest, did I immediately seek to fill it with work? It is a really interesting thing. In the midst of great busyness, I can think of nothing more that I long for then I time of stillness, a time of rest, a time to pray, and time to just "be" with the Lord. But the moment that a time for it comes- whether for a few hours, a day, or in this case, a few months, my heart is so resistant to it. My gut reaction is to run from it, to resent it, to complain about it, and to fill my day with any and every distraction I can find. (It's amazing how all of a sudden cleaning my room and paying my bills seem absolutely imperative!)

How deceitful our enemy is.... how easily he can distract us and keep us from the thing we so desperately need- time in stillness and solitude and communion with our Savior. And even more than that, how deceitful my heart is... truly I do not understand it. Resistant to the very thing it longs for, running from the very thing it seeks. I hate this battle within me and so desperately need the purifying and powerful grace of the Savior! 

I would ask that you pray for me! I going for the next 3 days to some friend's ranch all by myself to spend time alone with the Lord- to reflect on these past 5+ years of my life, to really look at my heart and where I am right now, and really just to be with Jesus. I can already see the battle beginning, and know it is going to be a fight for stillness. But wow, I know how desperately I need it. Please pray that the Lord will give me the strength and the desire to be still, that he will clear my mind of all the distractions and allow me to really commune with him, and pray that these few days would so transform me that I long for and truly learn to cultivate this discipline of stillness and solitude into my life! 

I have longed for this rest, and know I desperately need it, and know that ultimately it can only be found in Christ. I believe Augustine said it best, "God, you have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless till they find their rest in you."