The Inevitable Post-Break Up Note

* Disclaimer- For all those who are concerned by the title of this post, the contents that follow have no relationship to my marriage I mentioned yesterday. For those of you who know me well, however... the contents that follow may be quite shocking. Brace yourselves...

Dear One Whom I Once Loved,

It has been a little while since I called things off. And if I am honest, it has not been easy. And I would be lying if I said I did not think about you often. I do think about you occasionally. Ok, I think about you a lot. Sometimes in the morning, I am convinced I really need you. When the afternoons are getting long, I think about how on so many afternoons you would get me through. I think about you at lunch and dinner too- for what a good companion you had been at so many, many meals throughout our long-standing relationship. 

Every time I think about you, I wonder... Did I make a colossal mistake? What was I thinking when I gave you up? Especially after you had brought me so much comfort and joy? 

But then, I remember...it wasn't all joy and roses. I remember how you could make me feel so bad. How you would literally leave me with pain- in my head, and in my stomach, and yes, even in my heart after you had gone. I remember how people had been telling me, for years and years and years that I needed to get rid of you, that you weren't good for me, and that you were in fact very bad for me- but I didn't listen. But this time I have...

There have been other times when I have tried to give you up, but have failed so very miserably. But I just want you to know that, this time is not like the others. I cannot, I will not (I say to myself so confidently, hoping that it is true) be convinced again that I need you in my life. This isn't a break..though I am sure our track record would have many convinced of the contrary. This is the real deal- the official break up. 

I wish we could still be friends- you know, see each other occasionally and just hang out. But I know myself, I can't do it... I don't know how to have just a little of you. So, we can't be friends...maybe some day, way way way down the road. But not now. 

So I want you to know, one I have held so dear, that once and for all- we are through. For good, for real. 

Thanks for all the good times,

Caroline

PS. Please don't judge me if I keep these pictures by my bed...you know, for memories sake. 

Yes, friends... it is true. I have given up Diet Coke. Figured that would be pretty newsworthy for my first few days back on the blog! 

For those of you unfamiliar with my love-affair with DC, please see this previous post from 2009... Shout Out to a Friend! 

Backstreet's Back Again...

Ok, well Backstreet may or may not in fact be back again, but it was the first title that came to mine for "re-entry" to the blogosphere post.  I have been absent for quite a while- since August 25, 2010 to be exact. This date rings in my mind because my grandfather, Pops, who was perhaps the most faithful reader of this blog, reminded me of it frequently- until eventually, I guess he realized this was futile endeavor and decided to save his breath.

I attribute my absence to a myriad of things. Perhaps it was the endless papers that I was required to write for seminary, the pages and pages  and pages, oh and did I say, pages of reading I was struggling to complete, and the Hebrew I was trying to learn to read and to speak without sounding like a man. (For all you girls out there, it is impossible- so embark on the study of Hebrew knowing only that you will sacrifice a wee bit of your femininity in the process.) Or it could have been that for a while in life I felt like all my funny stories had to do with the precious family I baby sat for, and while they were great stories, they were not my stories to tell. Or maybe, just maybe, it was because the things the Lord was teaching me and that I was struggling through at seminary were not things I wanted to share with just anyone who would read. Authenticity should only really go so far right?!?!

Why have I suddenly decided to return to blogging? Last thursday, I received this picture via text message with a request to start blogging again...

And let's just be honest, who could say "no" to faces like this?

In reality, I had thought a lot about blogging again. School has slowed down quite a bit. I only have 3 classes left, and in turn have much more time just to think, to breathe, and to write. I have always really loved to write- since elementary school when I was writing short stories, high school when I was writing fun poems for my friends and papers on Moby Dick for school, and even through seminary- it has been a process that has brought me much joy. As I have journeyed through seminary, I have grown to believe that the Lord has both gifted me and called me to write, that this will be one of the primary ways I can serve his kingdom and his church. As I have examined my heart, I have seen much fear in it when it comes to this very thing- fear that maybe I am not that good of a writer, fear that no one will like or read what I write, etc. But I am praying that the Lord will give me courage to overcome my fears, to take risks for his glory, and just to think less of myself in general.

So, if you are so inclined...check back in here from time to time as I will be writing again- some spiritual things, life reflections, devotional thoughts, life updates and funny stories as they come.

A Bit of a Life Update
My last entry was entiled "The Difference a Year Makes." Perhaps this one should have been entitled, "The Bigger Difference Almost Two Years Makes," for much, so very much has changed. In that post, I wrote about a "new student" reception that I was able to host. What I didn't know then is there was a new student there that night- a cute, kind, Sperry-wearing Mississippi boy that would eventually catch my eye and change my life forever. In the weeks and months that followed that reception, we started spending time together, getting to know each other, and quickly fell in love. In July of last year, John Mark Scruggs and I became husband and wife. We have now journeyed a little over 11 months into this glorious thing called marriage- in which we have seen our love for one another grow, in which we have seen our relationship both strengthen and deepen, in which we have seen ourselves be humbled and have seen ourselves grow, and in which we have seen the wondrous faithfulness of God. I will write more on our life and marriage later- perhaps as our anniversary approaches. I'm assuming that most of you who read this know our story anyways... But for those of you who don't, here's a few pics to perhaps hold you over until I get to writing more...

Well, because this post is getting ridiculously long and because John Mark just texted me to say he is on his way home for lunch, I am going to conclude... More updates to come....

Thanks for re-visiting "Simply Full." See you again soon.

With Joy-
Caroline Scruggs