On Boasting...

I will not boast in anything, no gifts no power no wisdom,

But I will boast in Jesus Christ, his death and resurrection.

Why should I gain from his reward? I cannot give an answer,

But this I know with all my heart, his wounds have paid my ransom.

I have sung these words, to this, one of my very favorite hymns, many times and in many different contexts. But on Friday, as I sung them in our new student convocation here at the seminary, these familiar words fell upon my heart in a brand new way.

The reality is that most of the time, I cannot say, I cannot sing these first two lines truthfully. Because the greater reality is that I actually do boast, find so much pride in so many other things- futile things, insignificant things, honestly, ridiculous things to boast in, but things I boast in nonetheless.

I have seen this so so much in myself even in my time here so far. I have found myself over and over again boasting in where I am from, my experiences, my gifts, the job I used to possess, the church I used to attend, the people I used to work with or for, good things like my friends and family, and really shallow things that I am not totally willing at this point to expose to an internet full of random strangers:)

This boasting is sometimes in the words I say, is most often present in the thoughts I think, and is deeply rooted in my heart- flowing out into my life in ways I see and ways I am sure I don't.

As I stood and sang those words on Friday night, I was overwhelmed by the thought, the imperative that this, these words, must become my prayer. And so it is that as I start school tomorrow and fully embark on this new season of my life that I make this my prayer- that the Lord by his tender graces and often severe mercy would humble me in such a way that I truly will not boast in anything- no gifts, no power, no wisdom, but I will boast in Jesus Christ his death and resurrection.

A dear friend sent me this quote on humility from John Piper the other day which really struck me, "Humility is the one grace in all our graces, that if we gaze upon it, becomes something else. It flourishes when the gaze is elsewhere- on the greatness of the grace of God in Christ."

If you are one of those who prays for me, would you please pray that I would truly fix my eyes, fix my gaze on Jesus Christ, that all my other pride and other boasting would be swallowed up by the overwhelming reality of the grace of God in Christ towards one such as me, and that my heart would be changed to boast in Christ and in Christ alone!

To Him be the Glory!

the Lord's pleasure

I love when you are reading Scripture and a small phrase, perhaps one you have read over and over, just completely overwhelms your heart and mind. Last night as I read, that one such phrase was this:

FOR THE LORD TAKES PLEASURE IN HIS PEOPLE... (Ps. 149:4)

As I considered this wondrous reality and as I considered my heart and my life, so many questions entered my mind- why? how? really? Why and how could the Lord, my Maker, the King (as he is described earlier in the Psalm) delight, take pleasure in someone like me?

It was in the midst of those thoughts that another simple phrase saturated my heart and mind:

BECAUSE OF CHRIST...

Because of Christ. The Lord takes pleasure in me, in all of his people, not because of who we are or what we have done, but because of who Christ is and what he has done. My life is hidden in him, united with him, I belong to him and because of the cross the Father, wondrously, delights me as he does in his Son, as if I had done everything that he had!

It is my prayer that his glorious reality of the gospel of Jesus Christ might be what saturates and overwhelms my heart today, and that it might encourage any of you who read this as well.

The Lord takes pleasure in his people- always, in every circumstance- because of Christ!

May this reality cause us to do what the Psalmist exhorts in this very Psalm- "Praise the Lord! Sing to the Lord a new Song!"

And can it be that I should gain an interest in the Savior's blood?
Died he for me who caused his pain, for me who him to death pursued.
Amazing love, how can it be that thou my God should die for me!

Stillness...

Today was my first official day of unemployment. And although this break from work was something I have longed for for some time, I absolutely did not know what to do. So besides having lunch with a dear friend, guess what I did...

...I went to the office for a few hours, hung out with my staff friends, texted a bunch of kids, prepped the Bible Study I was teaching tonight, and seriously counted down the minutes until I got to leave my house and that Bible Study began! 

Looks like my dad's prediction about my summer is on its way to becoming a reality.... me doing the same old thing, essentially working and just no longer getting paid for it!  And to be quite honest, I wouldn't really mind. I said in my initial interview for this job that I would do it all for free, and I really meant it. And I guess now, here is my chance!

Note: I did also try to see what sort of deal I could swing where they wouldn't have to pay me, but I could keep the church credit card for all my future contact work with kids. Needless to say, in light of a budget crunch and a bad economy and let's face it, the utter ridiculousness of my request, that was a no go. Oh, well, worth a shot, right!?!?

But in all seriousness, today really did get me thinking about the idea of stillness and rest. Why after I had been longing for this rest, did I immediately seek to fill it with work? It is a really interesting thing. In the midst of great busyness, I can think of nothing more that I long for then I time of stillness, a time of rest, a time to pray, and time to just "be" with the Lord. But the moment that a time for it comes- whether for a few hours, a day, or in this case, a few months, my heart is so resistant to it. My gut reaction is to run from it, to resent it, to complain about it, and to fill my day with any and every distraction I can find. (It's amazing how all of a sudden cleaning my room and paying my bills seem absolutely imperative!)

How deceitful our enemy is.... how easily he can distract us and keep us from the thing we so desperately need- time in stillness and solitude and communion with our Savior. And even more than that, how deceitful my heart is... truly I do not understand it. Resistant to the very thing it longs for, running from the very thing it seeks. I hate this battle within me and so desperately need the purifying and powerful grace of the Savior! 

I would ask that you pray for me! I going for the next 3 days to some friend's ranch all by myself to spend time alone with the Lord- to reflect on these past 5+ years of my life, to really look at my heart and where I am right now, and really just to be with Jesus. I can already see the battle beginning, and know it is going to be a fight for stillness. But wow, I know how desperately I need it. Please pray that the Lord will give me the strength and the desire to be still, that he will clear my mind of all the distractions and allow me to really commune with him, and pray that these few days would so transform me that I long for and truly learn to cultivate this discipline of stillness and solitude into my life! 

I have longed for this rest, and know I desperately need it, and know that ultimately it can only be found in Christ. I believe Augustine said it best, "God, you have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless till they find their rest in you."

No Plan B

Many thanks to many of you for your encouragement and prayers for my Bible Study last night! We had to cover a lot of things in just a little bit of time (but more time than usual because everyone was there on time and everyone stayed late...quite possibly for the first time EVER!) We had some great discussions and I think it went really well! 

One of the most surprising things of the night for myself was how emotional I became when we got to our last topic--singleness. I can't remember the last time I cried in front of this Bible Study. It had to have been at least 2 weeks. Ok, so I am a crier, and therefore, it wasn't really the tears that were unexpected, but maybe the reason for them...

The primary resource I gave out on singleness was an article written by Paige Benton Brown called Singled Out by God for Good. This article is jam-packed with humor and jam-packed with truth-- the truth of who God is and who we are in light of him. She talks about how while singleness, whether permanent or temporary, is most often not what we had planned for ourselves, it is not that way with God. In his goodness there is no Plan B. 

 Can God be any less good to me on the average Tuesday morning than he was on that monumental Friday afternoon when he hung on the cross in my place? The answer is a resounding NO. God will not be less good to me tomorrow either because God cannot  be less good to me. His goodness is not the effect of his disposition but the essence of his person- not an attitude but an attribute....

...I am single because God is so abundantly good to me, because this is his best for me. It is a cosmic impossibility that anything could be better for me right now than being single.

My tears came last night because as I was talking to "my girls" that I love so much, I realized how how beautifully and gloriously true these words were, how amazing this truth is. 

I remember my Plan A when I was their age: I was going to go to college and "date around" for the first two years. Then my junior year, I was going to meet some cute polo-wearing boy who loved Jesus and wanted to be a pastor. We were going to date for 2 years and get married upon graduating from college. Shockingly (or not so much), I had no plans for after the wedding. After that you just live "happily every after" right?

Well, this wasn't my story. My Plan A didn't really work out. 

My junior year of college I didn't meet some cute-polo-wearing boy. Instead that summer, I met dozens of soffee-short-and flip-flop-wearing middle school girls. It wasn't some boy with a winning smile that stole my heart, but a bunch of little girls with braces on their teeth. Upon graduating from college, I wasn't going to PCPC for my wedding, but rather for my job. 

My last 2 years of college, and my five plus years beyond haven't been defined by one significant relationship as I had always dreamed and hoped, but by dozens and dozens of equally significant ones! 

In what I possibly would have considered my Plan B, God has graciously allowed me be in the lives of scores of teenage girls... girls who I have loved more than I ever thought possible, girls who has impacted my life more than I ever dreamed. 

As I looked out over my girls last night, in what was our final official Bible Study, what brought tears to my eyes was the reality that God had been so abundantly good, so overwhelmingly gracious to me in not giving me what I had always planned.

Instead, he gave me something I never knew I wanted. Something I never knew I would need. He gave me people that  I never knew I could love so much. He gave me something that if I had known how good it would be, it would have been my plan all along.

I am so thankful that God doesn't always give us our Plan A, but his! I am so thankful today that the Lord is not always in the business of giving us what we want, but rather giving us what is best. I am thankful that his thoughts are not our thoughts, and that his ways are higher, better than our ways. 

I am thankful for the path that he has taken me on... the path I never knew I wanted, but the path I'd never change! 

To all my girls I have known and loved, I couldn't be more thankful for you and would never trade all these years for anything, not for any boy! 

Study on Sex, Dating, and Singleness

Ok, so yesterday I wrote a post asking for your help with my study on Sex, Dating, and Singleness for my Senior Girls Bible Study. This morning, I took it down, for the fear that my "tips" might seem moralistic without being connected to the greater context of our Bible Study- God's call for our lives- single, dating, and married- to love him with all that we are and to love our neighbors as ourselves. Living for his glory and the good of others! Anyways, per my sister's request, I repost it. (Love that this blog has become yet another area of  life for my fear of man to be exposed!)

Anyways, on Wednesday I finish up a College Prep Bible Study for my Senior Girls. Our last topic is Sex, Dating, and Singleness. Always a crowd favorite. Girls seem to come out of the woodwork for this. A few years back, I gave a 3 week series on Sex, Love, and Dating, and for those 3 weeks, and those 3 weeks alone, our study tripled in size! I love it. Primarily because I am the exact same way.

I am wanting to give my girls some resources to take home at the end of Bible Study. This week, I will give them several different things- one of which is my own thoughts, advice, things to remember on these areas of life. My longing for them is that they might have relationships that honor Christ, serve and love other well, and ones that protect their hearts, minds, and bodies. Would love your thoughts or advice- anything you think these girls should know upon going to college! 

                                 Tips on Dating, Sex, and Singleness...

                                                         ...From My Experience or Lack Thereof

 

1. Your relationship with the Lord should always be the most important relationship in your life.

2. Unless, a guy is your husband, his most significant relationship to you is as a brother in Christ. (I guess this is true even when he is your husband!)

3. Date a guy that makes you laugh, that you have fun with.

4. You might not marry the guy you date. He could be someone else’s husband. You could be someone else’s wife. Keep that in mind when you are considering boundaries physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

5. If your friends don’t like him, don’t date him.

6. Date/Marry a guy for exactly who he is and not who you hope he will be one day.

7. Date/Marry a guy who loves you for exactly who you are and not who he hopes you will be.

8. Be creative in the ways you spend time together.

9. If you are dating, include your single friends in your relationship.

10. If your roommates are gone for the weekend, don’t hang out at your house. And visa- versa. If his roommates are gone, don't hang out at his. 

11. Don’t have guy best friends. Your deepest, most intimate, heart-level friendships should always be with girls.

12. A guys character/heart are far more important than his good looks, athletic ability, what frat he is in, what major he has, etc.

13. Every guy you date, could potentially be one you marry. Therefore, be careful who you date in the first place. 

14. Hang out in groups so you can see how guys interact with other people. This is the biggest indicator of what they are really like.

15. Don’t act like you are married if you aren’t.

16. Even if you aren’t “sleeping together”, guys still shouldn’t spend the night at your house or in your bed.

17. The “one night” in one night stands only refers to the physical action itself. The memories and emotions and heartache last much, much longer.

18. The time that you are single is not just waiting time before the next relationship, it is given, ordained by God....live to the fullest in it, use it wisely, don’t waste it.

19. The best practice for a good dating/marriage relationship is seeking good relationships with everyone else in your life first.

20. Date someone who challenges you... spiritually, intellectually, emotionally. Someone who pushes you to grow and be a  better person.

21. Don’t make excuses for guys when they continually mess up/don’t treat you well.

22. Have accountability for your relationships.

23. Talk about your boundaries early in the relationship. They are much harder to decide/keep when you are in the moment.

24. Guard your heart in both your dating relationships and friendships with guys.

25. It’s true what they say in When Harry Met Sally, men and women can’t be friends!

26. Guys are visual- they are stimulated by and remember everything they see.

27. Ask your friends hard/personal questions about their relationships.

28. Seek counsel/advice from older Christians, both single and married, who you respect.

29. God’s grace and forgiveness does exceedingly cover and can redeem your sexual sin. One of my favorite aspects of Scripture is how God uses and Christ pursues the sexually broken. He can redeem guilt and cover shame and restore the person. 

30. The rules God gives us are to give us life, not keep us from it!

31. Every good relationship involves some kind of risk.

32. Being drunk is not an excuse.

33. Date someone who spurs you on toward Christ. 

only comfort

I was reminded again of these words tonight in class. They are rich, and beautiful, and full of truth. I hope they encourage you and as they have encouraged me. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus!

Christian, what is your only comfort in life and in death? 

That I belong, body and soul, in life and in death, not to myself but to my faithful savior Jesus Christ, who at the cost of his own blood has fully paid for all my sins and has completely freed me from the dominion of the devil. And that he also protects me so well, that without the will of my Father in heaven, not a hair can fall from my head, indeed that everything must fit his purpose for my salvation. Whereby, he also assures me of eternal life and makes me willing and ready, from now on, to live for him. 

-Heidelberg Catechism

on worry...

There are certain things in life that I could be tempted to buy into... things that in normal circumstances seems completely preposterous....but things that I begin to see in a different light when the problem seems big and all too near, and I am in desperate need of a quick fix.  These are things that I, in my utter foolishness, am hoping will solve the problem, but in the end they don't deliver, and I am found in a bigger predicament, a bigger mess than when I first started. 

You might be familiar with one of these scenarios:

1. You need to fit into that bridesmaids dress that you ordered a size too small because you were certain you were going to get yourself in gear, diet, and exercise and lose those 10-15 extra lbs that have been hanging around since who knows when. But alas, your best friend's wedding is only 2 weeks away, and the dress isn't fitting quite the way you'd like, like you'd hoped. You are mourning your failure, drinking the 12th diet coke of the day and watching a little TV. When what comes on the TV but a commercial for one of those amazing little pills that promises to help you lose 20 lbs in two weeks with WITHOUT diet or exercise. You order those pills as fast as you can dial the numbers on your new i-phone. And for the next two weeks- pop a pill every morning, eat junk, and sleep in each morning instead of going for the morning run. Trouble comes however the day before the wedding when you are trying on that "should be loose" bridesmaids dress and it won't zip. Your quick fix has failed and now you are running out the tailor on your way to the rehearsal dinner seeing if he can take it out a bit for you...and all by tomorrow morning, so your wonderful-laid back-best friend-bride will never know! 

OR...

2) For that same wedding you are feeling a little bit pasty, and since tanning beds are completely out of the question and you are too tight on the budget for a mystic, you buy that little bottle of self-tanner. Nothing like a quick, self-made tan. You put it all on before you go to sleep anxiously anticipating that glow you will have in the morning! But alas, the glow is a little different than you anticipated. No you won't be the pasty white girl in the pictures, but you will be the one who is doting a shade of orange not much different from the dress you are wearing! 

Ok, so these examples are somewhat ridiculous. And I do not know them by experience:)  But this week, I did buy into a quick fix that I have determined is the "failure quick-fix par excellance."...WORRY!

It's interesting to me how I think about worry. When things are going well, worry appears to me to be a really foolish thing. It is so obvious that the comfort and control it is advertising just simply won't work. 

But when things begin to change a little bit, when the problem seems big, and am I feeling the need to fix it fast, I begin to see worry in a whole new light. I grasp onto it immediately. I allow it to fill up all my free time/my free thoughts. And when it seems to fail me. I buy into it again, thinking that maybe, just maybe a little bit more worry might do the trick. I allow it to consume me in almost every way, hoping that maybe around the next corner is that comfort or control it held out to me. 

But I have found (again) this week, that worry does not deliver what it promises. It does not bring comfort. It does not give control. It does not change circumstances. It does not give answers. It doesn't actually do anything...well not anything good. 

What worry does do is leave me in a worse off place than I was before. I have found this week that it causes me to turn so inward on myself. Causes me to think that the things in my life are the only things going on. Causes me to forget eternity, and to think that my "now" is the only thing that matters. Causes me to disconnect from others around me because I am so wrapped up in my own little world. It causes me to get irritated and lose patience with people when they aren't helping MY situation get any better, not giving ME any answers. 

Worry causes me to turn not just away from people, but also away from God. As I seek control, I turn away from the one who actually controls things. As I seek my good above all things, I forget the one who is committed to my good, enough to send his own son to the cross. As I seek the fulfillment of my plans, I forget the one who has promised that he has plans for me for a hope and a future. As I am preoccupied with self, I fail to focus on the ONE who is bigger, better, more satisfying, more worthy of my focus than any of the plans I have for myself. 

Worry makes me a slave to myself. And so again today, I am thankful for the God of the Gospel- who gave his son to set me free from me! I pray this week that I will experience the freedom of trusting my life to a faithful creator. That I will surrender myself to my faithful savior, and thus be free- free to love Him, and free to love people- the very things I was created for in the first place!

Do not fear little flock, it is the Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom!

it is well....

...it is well, with my soul

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come

Let this blessed assurance control

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate

And has shed his own blood for my soul

My sin, O the bliss of this glorious thought

My sin not in part, but the whole

Was nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more

PRAISE THE LORD, PRAISE THE LORD, O MY SOUL

upon the backdrop of the cross

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. 

Numbers 6:24-26

This benediction is spoken over our congregation, over me, each and every Sunday. As each Sunday I have heard, listened to, and received this benediction, I had never once considered how it was that the Lord could speak these words over me, by what means were they secured for me, and at what cost to him. 

My dad shed much light on this for me as he preached yesterday at one of our church's Holy Week Services. He said that I can only hear and receive this glorious benediction from the Father because Christ heard and absorbed the grave malediction from that same Father, his true and eternal Father. In order for a holy  God to speak those words over me, he must speak much different words over his Son:

The Lord curse you and cast you from his presence; the Lord turn his face from you and bring judgment upon you; the Lord let his wrath pour down upon you and bring enmity between you and him.  (*dad's quote, reprinted with his permission:))

I had never considered the cost like this. In fact, as I have thought much over the past few days, I have realized that most of the time I live freely, lavishly, abundantly, and securely in the benefits of Christ without giving much, if any, thought to the cross, and to what it cost my God and Savior to win them for me there. What has been freely given to me, was not really free at all. It came at a great, incalculable, and unfathomable cost to my Savior, Jesus Christ. 

My Savior was betrayed, that I the betrayer, might be forgiven. 

My Savior was cast out of the city, that I might be brought into the city of God. 

My Savior walked the way of death, that I might walk in newness of life.

My Savior bore the weight of the cross, that my load might be easy and my burden light. 

My Savior wore the crown of thorns, that I might receive the crown of righteousness.

My Savior was bruised, that I might be healed. 

My Savior was broken, that I might be made whole. 

My Savior was held up naked and ashamed, that I might be clothed in his righteousness and the shame of my nakedness might not be seen. 

My Savior's prayers were met with silence, that mine might be heard. 

My Savior was left alone, that I might have an intercessor.

My Savior was mocked, that I, the foolish one, might be esteemed. 

My Savior who longed for a drink, received none, that I might never be thirsty again. 

My Savior was covered with the filth of my sin, that I might be made clean.

My Savior was crushed under the weight of sin, that I might be set free from its power and influence. 

My Savior suffered that my suffering might end. 

My Savior absorbed the wrath of God poured out for all sin, that I might drink from the bottomless cup of his  grace. 

My Savior, though innocent, was declared guilty, that I might have spoken over me "there is no condemnation in you."

My Savior was abandoned by his Father, that I might be adopted as his son.

My Savior was forsaken by his Father, that I might call him, "Abba, Daddy", and that this Daddy might say to me, "I will never leave you or forsake you."

My Savior was cast out of the presence of God, that I might draw near to the throne of grace.

My Savior was consumed by darkness, that I might walk in the light of life. 

As another pastor, Patrick Lafferty said, "My Saviors greatest horror, is my greatest hope!"

This week has been such a call to me to consider the cross and to count the cost, not of what it will cost me to follow Christ, but what it cost him to draw me to himself. 

It is my prayer this week that the Lord will change me, that instead of so flippantly enjoying the gifts of God, I will focus my gaze upon the cross of Christ. I pray that by holding the gifts of God up against the dark backdrop of my Savior on the cross, that they might appear all the more beautiful and all the more glorious to me.  And that that beauty and that glory might consume me in such a way that I am lost in wonder, love, and praise!

 
 

On My Mind

I read this the other day. Haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Praying this means that God will use these words to really change me. 

Isn't it interesting that in Acts 11, at the end of verse 26, it says, "The disciples were called Christians first at Antioch." What I find interesting is the simple thought that Christians didn't name themselves. But rather they were called (or named) "Christians" by those watching their lives. I wonder if it would be the same today. Could someone look at your life or look at my life and name me a Christian? A humbling question for sure.

- Chris Tomlin, from Intro to Crazy Love by Francis Chan

Guilty, BUT...

Lately, I have found that guilt can be a really powerful thing in my life. The reality of my guilt can cause me great grief. The truth of it can tempt me to deceive and to keep parts of my life hidden, so no one will really know the truth. Guilt can be paralyzing, keeping me from doing good because of the wrong I have done in that area in the past. Guilt can, in a twisted way, be motivating, causing me to do good...but good that is merely my own seeking of atonement and absolution from the guilt that haunts me. Guilt can cause me to be honest and confess. 

But no matter what I seek to do, no matter which of these roads I seek to take, no matter how much I can try to explain it away, nothing can get rid of it. 

It's funny and humbling when you have been a Christian your whole life, but then have those moments when you feel like you are actually understanding the gospel for the first time. Funny, humbling, but also so wonderful, so liberating, so amazing! 

In the past week, I think for the first time I realized, in a real and personal way, the gospel is the ONLY answer to my guilt.

The gospel says to be what I have been saying to myself: Caroline, you are guilty. Caroline, you can't justify it or explain it away. Caroline, you aren't worthy to do good. Caroline, you can't make up for it, you can't absolve it. Caroline it is worse than you think. 

The gospel says to all these accusations, "yes" this is true.

Then, however, the gospel says the most glorious words, "BUT GOD"

"You are guilty, but God has absorbed it, but God has borne it on the cross, but God has made atonement FOR you"

It's like when the angel descends from the altar and touches Isaiah's lips with the coal (the very part of him he had confessed as unclean) and says, "behold, your guilt is taken away, your sin atoned for." 

Caroline, You are guilty, BUT...your guilt is taken away. Your sin has been atoned for!

This past week, a song written by Shane and Shane has been sooo very powerful to me. It has encouraged me over and over (as I have listened to it on repeat in my car). It has reminded me of the truth of the gospel, the glorious refrain in the midst of all my guilt. Jesus Saves!!!

It's called Embracing Accusation... I am posting the words here. But listen to it...its so powerful with the music!!!

May it encourage you as it has encouraged me! 

Embracing Accusation

Father of lies, coming to steal kill and destroy

All my hopes of being good enough

I hear him say cursed are the ones who can't abide

He's right, hallelujah, he's right

The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed

That I am cursed and gone astray

I cannot gain salvation

Embracing Accusation

Could the father of lies be telling the truth

God of me tonight?

That if the penalty of sin is death, then death is mine

I hear him say cursed are the ones who can't abide

The devil's singing over me an age old song

That I am cursed and gone astray

Singing the first verse so conveniently over me

He's forgotten the refrain

JESUS SAVES

Unrestrained....

Last night I read this...

"...you will not restrain your mercy from me..." (Psalm 40:11)

This is an absolutely unbelievable thought to me... God did not restrain his wrath from his very own Son when he hung on the cross thus enabling him to not restrain his mercy from me!

Unrestrained mercy!!! What a thought!

Gymnastics and the Gospel: Thoughts of Performance

Growing up I was  hard core gymnast. To know me at all was to know that this was true. I, like all other young gymnasts, had Olympic aspirations ('96 in Atlanta was to be my year, unfortunately, Dominique Moceanu barely edged me out for that last spot! Really!

...ok, not really, but I wish). I could often be found doing kips on the monkey bars on the playground, doing full turns and beam routines on any curb I could find, and tumbling on the sidelines of my brother's soccer games. My wardrobe consisted primarily of gymnastics t-shirts, all of which proclaimed profound truths, such as "If Gymnastics were any easier, it would be called football" And "A Champion is someone who gets up even when they can't...NO FEAR".  

But maybe the clearest sign that I was a gymnast was the bun, scrunchie, 1.000 clippies and HUGE bangs that I doted far beyond the point when this was socially acceptable. You know the look...the bun so tight that it pulled your face back much better than any botox could ever do, and the wave of bangs that wouldn't move due to the bottle of white rain hairspray you "lightly spritzed" on them every morning. (Not sure why I switched to second person here, as I know this did not describe any of you...only me. Caroline...super gymnast).

The main problem with my gymnastics however, (aside from the fact that I was just not all that talented), was that I suffered from a great degree of performance anxiety. Unlike most people, I LOVED practice and absolutely HATED to compete!! I would be doing great all week in practice hitting routines, landing on my feet on my vaults, and staying on the bars all the way until my dismount. But no matter how well I performed in practice , when the meets came I just totally choked. If you had been in the audience you would have seen me falling off the beam 4 and 5x's. (Once I fell off, got back on and fell right back off the other side). Or you'd see me peeling off the bars onto my back, running straight into the vault at full speed, and flipping and twisting until some part of my body hit the floor, unfortunately my feet were rarely first.  

Performing or Competing took all the joy out of gymnastics for me. Knowing that I was being judged and evaluated on how I performed, knowing that it mattered whether or not I executed skills perfectly and having the keen awareness that someone was watching me, adding up each fall, each wobble, each step out of bounds, and knowing that I could never measure up, that I was never going to do perfectly, or even as well as people expected or wanted me to, or as well as I wanted to myself, caused me just to crack under the pressure. I ended up leaving meet after meet in an endless stream of tears, wishing that I had done better, wondering what it would have been like if I had...would my friends have been more impressed? would my coaches and parents be more proud? would my teammates be more excited to have me on their team? would I feel better about myself? 

I left meets differently than I left practice each night; I left practice with a sense of freedom, but I often left meets with a sense of sadness, shame, and the sure resolve to do and perform better next time. 

I quit gymnastics a little over ten years ago, but that performance anxiety has not left me yet. It is rooted deeply in my heart, and expressed in countless ways in my life. It shows up in my pride, in my fear of man, my desire for reputation, and my endless seeking of my own praise and glory. It manifests itself in how I want my friends to be impressed with me, my parents and mentors to be proud of me, strangers to think well of me, people I work with to be honored to have me on their team. It shows up in my deep sense of guilt and and shame in my failures and my falls and my sin, and especially when other people can see those things. It shows up in my slowness to confess sin, and seek forgiveness. It shows up in the endless goals and resolutions I make to "do better." It shows up in the fact that I am often afraid to even come before the Lord with the obvious failures of my heart because of the knowledge that I have not measured up in any way to his standard for me. 

This week one of my professors spoke the gospel to me in such a way that it completely penetrated this performance anxiety in me. He spoke of the glorious reality that Jesus has fulfilled the law for us. That everything that is required of me he has done perfectly. That there is nothing more that I can do or add to it. He spoke of the reality that I am hidden in Christ, and sealed with the Holy Spirit and that nothing can change that.

Like in my meets, there is a Judge, the righteous Judge. And he is judging on the basis of performance. But this same judge has hidden my life in the perfect life of his Son Jesus Christ. His performance was perfect...no wobbles, no falls, always doing what brought glory to and pleased the father, always loving him with everything that he was. And by his sheer mercy and grace,  this perfect performance has become mine. So that in the wake of every wobble, every fall, every failure, every guilt, every shame (even the very deepest ones), God looks upon me, lifts up my fallen head, looks into my weepy, shame-filled eyes and says, "Righteous" "Perfect" "Everything I have required" "Beloved child, in whom I am well pleased." 

This is the gospel...Christ's perfect performance has completely delivered me from the need to perform...for anyone. And it's given me freedom...freedom to be honest about who I am and my sin, freedom from trying to earn and secure the applause and adoration of others, freedom from my guilt and sin, freedom from myself that I might love God and love others. Freedom to rest. And freedom to find joy! 

"For our sake, he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." (2 Corinthians 5:21)

This even better than the freedom and joy of practice. Jesus performed when it counted, and our his perfect performance is ours! Hallelujah! Oh that I might daily believe this is true and live out of this glorious reality....

Thoughts on Joy... The Inaugural Post

Right now all the parts of the blog are in place except for this one...the inaugural post! What to write about? How to start? I have been pondering and thinking about this for the past two days, and even as I type, I am not sure what all the stress is about because there is a great chance that absolutely no one will read this post except for me! But in case there are a few of you out there who are currently reading either because I begged you to, or because you happened to stumble upon my blog, here it is...what we have all been waiting for...the first post! 

What is SiMpLy FuLl??

For as long as I can remember, JOY has been a word or concept that has loudly resonated in my heart and my mind. And maybe it's just in the name. 

"Caroline" was a very annoying name to posses growing up in the 90's, although now it seems that every other girl I meet in North Dallas possesses my very same name. It was annoying however because in countless stores there would be that rack or shelf of junk that displayed someone's name... you know key chains, magnets, bookmarks, and even shot glasses with "Ann" or "Mark" or "Jeff" printed across the side. Every time I spied one such display, my heart would start beating fast and I would run over to the rack full of anticipation only to have my hopes crushed because again no "Caroline"... just "Carolyn". And let's face it, no kid was really named Carolyn back then, and no 50 year old woman in her right mind really wanted a shot glass with her name printed under an umbrella and smiling sun. Ok back to the point. The first thing I ever found with my name on it was this cheesy, flowery card that had your name at the top and the meaning of your name and a verse underneath. I remember rummaging through that stack of cards, and there it was...the treasure..."Caroline...Song of Joy." So there it is, my name means joy. (And don't worry, after about 20 years, the validity of that card was confirmed last fall in my Greek class when I discovered that the word for joy in Greek is "kara.") 

And as a child, this little song of joy was always thinking about joy. Our church started when I was in 3rd grade, and allowed anyone to submit a potential name. I can still recall my excitement when I submitted "Joy of Jesus Presbyterian Church." I was so sure they were going to pick it, and would be dying to know what genius thought one up. They ended up going with Park Cities Presbyterian, but I am pretty sure I heard a rumor that "Joy of Jesus" was a pretty close second. If only I had had an in with the elders. 

But in all seriousness, joy is something that I think about all of the time! And I would venture to say that all of us do, because it something we all desire. It defines how we live our lives- every choice, every decision both big and small driven by what we think in the end will bring us joy. We seek joy in the little thing like a diet coke with good ice and driving with the windows down on a fall day. We seek joy in the big things like the way we spend our time and the people we choose to surround ourselves with. And we seek joy in those few major decisions in life like where we will go to school, what career path we will follow, and who we will marry. It's fascinating to me to think that what I will eat for lunch tomorrow, what I will talk about with a good friend on a walk, and what I will choose to do with the rest of my life are all motivated by the same desire- the desire for joy. 

Scripture speaks often about joy, and I am often struck by the lavish language that surrounds it. "In your presence is fullness of joy" (Ps. 16:11); the psalmist refers to God as "my exceeding joy" (Ps. 43.4); when the wise men saw the star they "rejoiced exceedingly with great joy" (Matt. 2:10); the news the angels brought to the shepherds that Christmas night was "news of great joy" (Luke 2:10); in his farewell address Jesus tells his disciples that all he had spoken to them was so that his "joy would be in them and their joy would be full" (John 15:11), and Peter says that the reality of salvation causes us to "rejoice with joy that is inexpressible" (1 Peter 1:8). 

This lavish joy, this full, abundant, often inexpressible joy is found truly in the knowledge and presence of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ- for he himself is joy. 

But sometimes, this knowledge of God and the experience of the presence of God often comes through pain and suffering. But as the knowledge, true, intimate knowledge of God comes, so does the joy. We are told to rejoice in our sufferings and count it all joy when we face trials of many kinds. Why? Because the outcome of those things knowing, experiencing, and reflecting more of Christ. The outcome of our trials is joy. And the amazing thing about this is that it was true for our Savior too. My very favorite verse of Scripture is Hebrews 12:2 that exhorts believers as they struggle to "fix their eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross." 

JOY...this is promised to us in Christ! And that is what I hope this blog will come to be about- finding real, true, and abundant joy as we see and experience our Savior in the simple, big, and often painful realities of this life.