Reflecting on One Year...

A week ago today, John Mark and I had the privilege of celebrating our first anniversary. It was such a joy to get to set aside everything else in life for even one day to spend such good time with one another-  reflecting on and celebrating the year that has gone by and hoping for what will come in the next years of our marriage together. I have been wanting to write this blog since that day, but the busyness of life has made that nearly impossible. And sadly, the busyness fills my day and week will keep this post from being as in depth and reflective as I truly want it to be.

There are so many words I could say to describe this year of our lives, so many sentences and paragraphs that could sum it up. But as I sit here and write what comes to mind is growth- my own individual growth, the growth of our relationship, and particularly growth in my awe and admiration of the character of my husband and the character of God.

Many have said that marriage exposes you- this seems obvious in some ways, but I don't think anything can really prepare you for such exposure until you are in it. Selfish motivations of my heart are exposed in anything from the laundry, to what we buy at the grocery, to discussions of where we spend our holidays and what it will look like for us both to pursue full-time ministry in our future. My pride has been exposed in the whole slew of unrealistic expectations I set for myself and how frustrated I would get both at myself and John Mark when I failed to meet them. I saw in myself a deep seated fear of failure and fear of pain. I saw in myself a weakness that if I am honest, beforehand had merely been theoretical. I don't have it all together- I saw this. And even worse, someone else saw it too.

But the way God works is beautiful. What has happened for me over the course of this year is that the more I have been exposed for what I truly am, the more the gospel has been exposed for what it truly is- a story of truth and hope. A story that gives an explanation for my selfishness and fear and pride. But a story that says that is not the end of the story- not for me, not for our marriage, and not for this world. By God's grace I believe in this first year of marriage I have begun to truly embrace the paradox of the gospel that I have professed for so long- that as redeemed people we are both sinners and saints, that as Martin Luther said, "we are not yet what we shall be, but we are becoming." I am learning that life between the cross and crown is both beautiful and hard. I am learning to be honest about that. And I am learning to hope.

Similarly, in my relationship with John Mark, I am learning that growth and joy often come through the difficult places in our marriage. But I have seen that the growth and joy and honesty and care and hope on the other side are deeper than they were before. I have seen God be so faithful to grow John Mark and I in such a way that we understand one another more, are more patient with one another, are more honest with one another, hopeful for one another, and care more deeply for one another more today than we did as we returned home from our honeymoon on this very day one year ago. We have grown in love- real, honest, committed love- over the course of this year. It has a been a blessing beyond words.

In the midst of this personal and relational growth, I have also grown in awe of the character of the man I married. There is only so much you can know about a person in a 9 month relationship. But I knew enough when I said yes and when I walked down that aisle. I knew that the man standing at the end of it was a good man, with a compassionate heart, who was faithful and loyal, humble and honest, and who had the utmost integrity. I have grown over the course of this year to see these things more and more in John Mark- in the places that nobody else sees, in the times when he thinks even I am not looking. I married a man who is a lover of God, a lover of people, who moves toward people with humility, compassion, and a listening ear. I married a man who is not afraid to speak the truth, and desires more and more to know truth. I have married a man who is faithful in every way. I truly could not admire him more.

Finally, I have over the course of our first year of marriage, I have grown in awe and admiration of the character of God. I have found comfort in the depth of his love and grace. We have stood upon the faithfulness of his word and of his works. We have been guided by the intricacies of his wisdom. And we have found hope in his promises.

I believe my very favorite moment of our wedding ceremony one year ago, was the moment captured in this picture above. It was at the end of the worship service, after the homily, after the vows. With my new husband by my side, in front of the church I hold so dear, surrounded on every side by family and friends- we sang with one joyful voice "In Christ Alone." It was a moment of utter delight, a moment I will never ever forget.

As I reflect on our marriage today, I know more know than I even did then of the beauty and the truth of the words we sang that day. And I pray we together grow in the knowledge of them for years and years to come...

     In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song.
     My cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
     What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease.
     My comforter, my all in all, here in the love of Christ I stand."

If Gymnastics Were Any Easier...

When I was in middle  school, I had a t-shirt that finished this sentence, "... it would be called FOOTBALL." I wore it often, and wore it proudly. With that t-shirt and along with my big bangs, tight bun, and 372 clippies in my hair, I was the real deal.

I do not wear that beloved t-shirt anymore- possibly because I have grown up, or grown out it, or because you cannot even see the saying anymore because of endless wear. I'll let you be the judge of that. But though it has been years since I have pulled this t-shirt over my head, its sentiments are ever close to my heart. And after last weekends gymnastics Olympic Trials, I am once again convinced that gymnastics is the hardest, most intense, most exhilerating sport there is.

This was confirmed last weekend as I watched Nastia Liukin attempt to do what no All-Around gold medalist has done in over 20 years- merely return to the Olympic Games! Her fall from the bars on a relatively easy release move (for her- clearly not for me or you:)), ended both her Olympic dreams and her career.  Unlike many other Olympic Sports, the reigning Olympic Champion would be nowhere in the arena just a short for years later!

As a tribute to Nastia, and to all of us who have loved this great sport. Here are some of my favorite gymnastics moments, and further confirmation that gymnastics is harder than your sport!

And for all you nay-sayers out there... can you do this?!?!

Hurry Up London... I cannot wait!

The Inevitable Post-Break Up Note

* Disclaimer- For all those who are concerned by the title of this post, the contents that follow have no relationship to my marriage I mentioned yesterday. For those of you who know me well, however... the contents that follow may be quite shocking. Brace yourselves...

Dear One Whom I Once Loved,

It has been a little while since I called things off. And if I am honest, it has not been easy. And I would be lying if I said I did not think about you often. I do think about you occasionally. Ok, I think about you a lot. Sometimes in the morning, I am convinced I really need you. When the afternoons are getting long, I think about how on so many afternoons you would get me through. I think about you at lunch and dinner too- for what a good companion you had been at so many, many meals throughout our long-standing relationship. 

Every time I think about you, I wonder... Did I make a colossal mistake? What was I thinking when I gave you up? Especially after you had brought me so much comfort and joy? 

But then, I remember...it wasn't all joy and roses. I remember how you could make me feel so bad. How you would literally leave me with pain- in my head, and in my stomach, and yes, even in my heart after you had gone. I remember how people had been telling me, for years and years and years that I needed to get rid of you, that you weren't good for me, and that you were in fact very bad for me- but I didn't listen. But this time I have...

There have been other times when I have tried to give you up, but have failed so very miserably. But I just want you to know that, this time is not like the others. I cannot, I will not (I say to myself so confidently, hoping that it is true) be convinced again that I need you in my life. This isn't a break..though I am sure our track record would have many convinced of the contrary. This is the real deal- the official break up. 

I wish we could still be friends- you know, see each other occasionally and just hang out. But I know myself, I can't do it... I don't know how to have just a little of you. So, we can't be friends...maybe some day, way way way down the road. But not now. 

So I want you to know, one I have held so dear, that once and for all- we are through. For good, for real. 

Thanks for all the good times,

Caroline

PS. Please don't judge me if I keep these pictures by my bed...you know, for memories sake. 

Yes, friends... it is true. I have given up Diet Coke. Figured that would be pretty newsworthy for my first few days back on the blog! 

For those of you unfamiliar with my love-affair with DC, please see this previous post from 2009... Shout Out to a Friend! 

Backstreet's Back Again...

Ok, well Backstreet may or may not in fact be back again, but it was the first title that came to mine for "re-entry" to the blogosphere post.  I have been absent for quite a while- since August 25, 2010 to be exact. This date rings in my mind because my grandfather, Pops, who was perhaps the most faithful reader of this blog, reminded me of it frequently- until eventually, I guess he realized this was futile endeavor and decided to save his breath.

I attribute my absence to a myriad of things. Perhaps it was the endless papers that I was required to write for seminary, the pages and pages  and pages, oh and did I say, pages of reading I was struggling to complete, and the Hebrew I was trying to learn to read and to speak without sounding like a man. (For all you girls out there, it is impossible- so embark on the study of Hebrew knowing only that you will sacrifice a wee bit of your femininity in the process.) Or it could have been that for a while in life I felt like all my funny stories had to do with the precious family I baby sat for, and while they were great stories, they were not my stories to tell. Or maybe, just maybe, it was because the things the Lord was teaching me and that I was struggling through at seminary were not things I wanted to share with just anyone who would read. Authenticity should only really go so far right?!?!

Why have I suddenly decided to return to blogging? Last thursday, I received this picture via text message with a request to start blogging again...

And let's just be honest, who could say "no" to faces like this?

In reality, I had thought a lot about blogging again. School has slowed down quite a bit. I only have 3 classes left, and in turn have much more time just to think, to breathe, and to write. I have always really loved to write- since elementary school when I was writing short stories, high school when I was writing fun poems for my friends and papers on Moby Dick for school, and even through seminary- it has been a process that has brought me much joy. As I have journeyed through seminary, I have grown to believe that the Lord has both gifted me and called me to write, that this will be one of the primary ways I can serve his kingdom and his church. As I have examined my heart, I have seen much fear in it when it comes to this very thing- fear that maybe I am not that good of a writer, fear that no one will like or read what I write, etc. But I am praying that the Lord will give me courage to overcome my fears, to take risks for his glory, and just to think less of myself in general.

So, if you are so inclined...check back in here from time to time as I will be writing again- some spiritual things, life reflections, devotional thoughts, life updates and funny stories as they come.

A Bit of a Life Update
My last entry was entiled "The Difference a Year Makes." Perhaps this one should have been entitled, "The Bigger Difference Almost Two Years Makes," for much, so very much has changed. In that post, I wrote about a "new student" reception that I was able to host. What I didn't know then is there was a new student there that night- a cute, kind, Sperry-wearing Mississippi boy that would eventually catch my eye and change my life forever. In the weeks and months that followed that reception, we started spending time together, getting to know each other, and quickly fell in love. In July of last year, John Mark Scruggs and I became husband and wife. We have now journeyed a little over 11 months into this glorious thing called marriage- in which we have seen our love for one another grow, in which we have seen our relationship both strengthen and deepen, in which we have seen ourselves be humbled and have seen ourselves grow, and in which we have seen the wondrous faithfulness of God. I will write more on our life and marriage later- perhaps as our anniversary approaches. I'm assuming that most of you who read this know our story anyways... But for those of you who don't, here's a few pics to perhaps hold you over until I get to writing more...

Well, because this post is getting ridiculously long and because John Mark just texted me to say he is on his way home for lunch, I am going to conclude... More updates to come....

Thanks for re-visiting "Simply Full." See you again soon.

With Joy-
Caroline Scruggs

The Difference a Year Makes

Last night, I had the privilege to helping out with the Presidents Welcome Reception for the New Students here at Covenant! It ended up being an absolutely fabulous evening! However, as fancy and wonderful as it sounds... it did not necessarily promise to be that way...

About an hour before the event, I received an email telling me my duties for the evening. I was designated a food server- which essentially meant I was a cocktail waitress (minus the cocktails of course!) I had to walk around the party, carrying a tray, offering food or drink to all the new students as well as faculty and staff! Easy huh?

Well, not so much! For those of you who don't know me well... Let's just say I am not the most coordinated of folks. Walking around a party in heels, carrying food and drinks on a tray seemed like a recipe for disaster! I began to have a tad bit of anxiety and could just picture myself pouring a tray full of punch right down Dr. Chappell (our President's suit!) I guess at least then I would be a memorable student huh?!?!

Well, thankfully...the party went off without a glitch. I opted for flip-flops instead of the heels. Again being every so thankful that seminary "cocktail attire" and North Dallas "cocktail attire" do not necessarily mean the same thing!

I seriously had the greatest time walking around with my tray full of petifores talking to all the new students and some of the faculty and staff. It filled me with joy and offered me such a precious opportunity to reflect on God's goodness and faithfulness to me over this past year!

Last year at this time, I was lonely and scared and so thankful that my only friend from St. Louis, Tony, was at the reception so I had someone to hang out with. This year, I was surrounded by people I loved and just filled will so much joy.

Last year, I thought Dallas and PCPC were some of the only places I could really be myself and be happy. This year, I just love St. Louis and all the many things I am involved in here!

Last year at this time, I was dreading the first day of school and already making plans to transfer. This year, I absolutely can't wait for class to start tomorrow and know there is no where else I would rather be!

Talking to all the new students made me realize how comfortable I am here, how much joy school and the people here have brought me, how much I have been shaped by what the Lord is doing here, and how much I am looking forward to all that he has in store over the next year! If it is anything like this past one, I just can't wait...

To God be the Glory, Great Things He has Done!

In the Eyes of the World...

Several summers ago, I traveled to China with some of the students and staff from PCPC. It was one of the most eye-opening experiences of my life. For the first time in my life, I believed I was really confronted with the reality that though I am so prone to live like I am the center the world, that it is actually so, so much bigger than me. That there are millions of people that live lives all over the world- some much similar and some much different than my own. I believe for the first time on that trip I was really confronted with the urgency of the gospel- for so many of these millions would live their whole lives never hearing of the truth of the gospel.

On our trip to France, I feel like my eyes were re-opened, my heart again burdened with the reality that there are so many who do not know and who will never hear the gospel of Christ, the question again running through my mind, what part is God calling me to play in taking it to them? As I walked the streets of Paris, something Mark said a few summers ago as we walked the streets of Beijing came flooding back to me: "Look into the eyes of the people you meet- behind those eyes is a real life, a real heart, a real story, a real eternity."

For a few short days, my life intersected the lives of many other young people from across the world who served us on our ship, and I had the privilege of looking into their eyes, and hearing their stories. While France was filled with beauty and filled with stories, the beauty and stories that impacted me most, the beauty the stories that I will never forget were the eyes, the smiles, the stories of these people.

One particular encounter that really impacted me was actually one of the briefest I had on the trip- it was with our guide to Monet's gardens, Patricia. She was a fascinating woman. She looked about 35, but is married and has for kids, the eldest of whom is 21 and an artist and chef in the south of France. She was a wine maker for decades, but then four years ago decided to change career paths and became a tour guide. First in German, and then in English. She had learned English a year ago and had done so by inviting English speaking tourists into her home. ( I remember being filled with shame as she told me this because we had all be laughing at some of the idioms she used that didn't translate so well into English). She was a kind, funny lady who was interested in painting and sculpting and who with her historian husband is opening a bed and breakfast in August in her 15th century home. I loved meeting his woman and loved talking with her about her life.

On our way home, Patricia drove us by a church with a steeple with a rooster on the top. Evidently the rooster is symbol of France, but also connected to the biblical story of Peter. As Patricia drove us by she pointed out the steeple, and told us that "as you know, it is related to the story of Judas in the Bible." My dad and I talked about it for a minute, and he encouraged me, since we had talked for a while, to mention to her the actual association of the rooster- because as a guide and as a historian, she would want to be correct. As we talked for a little bit, it became evident to me that Patricia was not familiar with the biblical story at all, but had probably just been told enough to mention it to American tour groups to whom it would be of interest.

This was so fascinating and simultaneously heart-breaking for me. My heart broke for her, and also because though this one precious lady was probably representative of millions all over Europe, who though they are surrounded by the most magnificent Cathedrals, and though they live their lives in places steeped in church history, they have little, if any, familiarity with and understanding of the gospel. I knew her story probably represented the story of millions for whom the story of the gospel had never been spoken into the stories of their lives..

As I sat on the deck of our ship that afternoon, Romans 11 once again weighed heavily upon my heart:

Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved...
... BUT, how are they to call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, how beautiful are the feet of those who preach good news!

I came home from Paris wanting to return to Europe as soon as possible, to bring to the gospel to the many young people who are there. And I pray the Lord opens that door again some day. For now, as I am called back home and have no idea what the future holds, it is my prayer that as I sit here comfortably in my favorite coffee shop that the Lord would continue to impress upon my heart those same things he impressed upon me those several days upon the deck- both the worthiness of Christ and the urgency of the gospel, and that my supreme desire would indeed to be caught up in the mission of God and see the story of the gospel come to bear on the stories of people's lives!!

Trip of a Lifetime...

Hello blogging friends, if there are still any of you out there. Per the request of my grandfather (who whenever I see him, almost immediately tells me the exact date of my last blog entry) I attempt, yet again, to return to the blogging world! I would like to attribute my absence to the busyness of school, the fact that I am not sure I really wanted to share much of what has been going on in my heart and head with any and everyone who wants to read this, and the fact that seriously all of my funny stories come from the kids I nanny for, and those are just not my stories to share! But I figured the laid back and fun nature of summer would give me both more time to write and more stuff to write about, and thus I am back.

And if anything is worthy of writing about it is what I spent 8 of the last 14 days doing- sailing on a river boat cruise on the Seine River from Paris through the North of France with my entire extended family!! Seriously, it was the trip of a lifetime and one that I will never forget!

My moms parents, known to us as Pops and Jackie, will be celebrating their 60th anniversary this November and decided to celebrate by graciously taking us all on this trip to France. Pops fought in WWII in France coming about 2 weeks after D-Day, and though he and Jackie had returned 20 years ago, he thought it would be really special to bring us all back with him now. And special does not even begin to describe it. It was such a privilege to spend 8 days of concentrated time with my grandparents, parents, John and Lindsay, aunts, uncles , and cousins. It was an honor to travel with my grandfather to the beaches of Normandy and to remember to the courage and sacrifice of so many young men who fought and who gave their lives for the freedom we known all our lives. It was surreal to walk through a cute, quaint little town filled shops, pubs, and churches and hear my granddad say that the last time he had been there, it was completely devastated because of bombing.

This trip made me thankful for so many things- for my family, for the unique opportunity I have as a 28 year old girl to have this experience especially with my grandparents It made me thankful for freedom and for the opportunities that we are blessed to have here in our country. It made me thankful for the gospel, and that God has graciously given me the opportunity to hear it and to know it and to be transformed by it.

This trip opened my eyes to so many things. I feel like it opened my eyes to the world. For that I am very thankful. But, more on that to come... For now, here are a few pictures of highlights from the trip:

All of the cousins on our first night in Paris! Our boat was docked here for several nights. We loved just hanging out up here- pretty surreal to have the Eiffel Tower light up behind you!!

This is probably one of my favorite photos of the trip. In typical Lamberth family fashion we drank diet coke everywhere. Even under the Eiffel Tower!! By the second day of the trip, I would walk up to the bar on our ship and our friends, the bar tenders would just smile and say, "Diet Coke? Room 230?:))

Our first day in Paris, we had a fabulous guided tour of the Louvre! We loved it!

The cemetery and D-Day Memorial at Omaha Beach. 9,000 of these crosses line these green fields to honor the lives of the 9,000 young American soldiers who lost their lives in the D-Day invasions.

I absolutely love this pics of Pops gathering up sand to take home from the Normandy Beaches.

Freezing cold and rainy, but still one of the more memorable aspects of and photos from the trip... all of my cousins and I with my grandfather at Omaha Beach.

Just one of the many scenic views from our boat as we sailed down the Seine. I believe this castle once belonged to Richard the Lionheart.

My sweet family on board the deck the night of the "Captain's Dinner."

One of my very favorite nights of the trip- on our final night in Paris, all of the cousins watched the US v. England World Cup game under the Eiffel Tower! It was pretty amazing! Watching the next game from the treadmill at the gym this week just didn't quite compare!!

The whole Jones family wishing you "Bonjour" and "Au Revoir" from Paris!!!

PCPC

Sorry again for the lack of blogging again. The honest truth is that I have sooo much spinning around in my heart and my head that I want to share, just trying to figure out how to put words to it before I just vomit my thoughts out here on the world wide web. But God is good, so good, and doing so much in me- in my heart and in my life. I could not be more thankful. More to come on such things soon I hope.

But for now, this weekend, I was reminded of how incredibly much I love my church at home! I know a couple of people up here at Covenant who are applying for some jobs there, and I honestly can't stop talking about it- how much it has meant to me, how much it has shaped me, what an absolute privilege it was to work there, and what amazing things God is doing through his ministry in that place. Over 6 years ago, when I first started working there, I said it was my dream job. Now, I do not know if I will ever have a job that I love, in a place that I love, with people that i love so much again!

Tonight, in my nostalgia, dreaming, and time wasting, I was playing around on the PCPC website and found this video. Thought I'd share it with you, so that you can get a small picture of the place, the people, the church that has both captured and shaped my heart!

Five Identity Statements at PCPC from PCPC Video on Vimeo.

For My Parents

This past weekend, I had the great privilege of having my parents up here in St. Louis! My mom is on Spring Break this week, and so they graciously decided to use part of it to come visit me in my new home! We had a blast! They brought up some great weather so we walked around Forest Park, went to the zoo, hung out on the Loop, went to Fro-Yo twice...oh, and in typical Lamberth family fashion, at all of our meals at what I consider to be some of the best restaurants in St. Louis! They were able to go to my church, see where I live, meet some of my friends as well as the sweet families that I live with and babysit for! It was a true joy to introduce my parents to my life here.

But honestly, the even greater privilege was to introduce the people in my life to my parents. It was really fun and special to see them interact with the people that have become special to me up here! They loved my friends so well, took an active interest in their lives, spoke both words of truth and encouragement both to me and to them all weekend. this is not a-typical for my folks, but it was just special to see this weekend.

I was reminded how grateful I am for both my mom and dad. A mom and dad who really love people and give their lives to invest in the lives of others. A mom and dad who seek the Lord and reflect his wisdom and character in all they do. A mom and dad who are so supportive and encouraging in what all of us kids have chosen to do with our lives! A mom and dad who still love each other! A mom and dad who are truly servants!

Today, is my parents 31st anniversary! So, on this day, I just want to say... Mom and Dad, I love you and am ever so thankful for your encouragement and example, love and listening ear all the days of my life! May the Lord truly continue to both bless you and use you greatly for his kingdom in the coming year!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

Celine Dion and the Common Grace of God

Ok, I am sure any of you who have read this title must think that I have really lost it! Or Karen and Mindy, you may be thinking I returned to the thought process of our college days when we thought every song could be turned into a worship song. (If you are not one of my college friends and do not know what I am talking about, please do not ask. Would rather just not go back there).

With that said, I am not going to tell you how Celine Dion's songs (which I am still s obsessed with by the way) are actually hymns in disguise. But I did want to comment on how what I saw, in the movie made about her world tour made me reflect much on what I was learning in school and on the glory of God.

I am in class this semester called Apologetics and Outreach which is really doing a work on my heart. One of the things that we have discussed in much detail so far in class is the Common Grace of God. One aspect of this common grace is that all people- both those who are believers in Christ and those who are not- reflecting something of the beauty and character of God, because all are made in his image! Indeed that "every human being is a clearer revelation of God than the most beautiful of sunsets" or any other glorious thing in all creation. That to look at another person, any person is to see something of the person of God himself. The result, that we have much to learn from and rejoice in in one another.

Last night, as I watched this film, I saw a beauty in Celine beyond the beauty of her voice and the songs I have loved for so long. I saw a beauty that reflected the beauty of God. I saw a reflection of his love for people, the dignity that he bestows on and treats them with. I saw a picture of what it looks like to honor people, to consider the dreams and details of their lives with utmost interest and respect. I saw a reflection of the beauty of moving beyond barriers, and moving towards people who are simultaneously much different and yet much like ourselves.

I am thankful for what I saw, because it stirred my heart and made me long for my own life to reflect our God in such a way. It made me long to better love and honor and respect people, for who they are as people and because our God has both loved and honored me.

I have no great ending to this post. These thoughts may be completely random. You may still think I have lost it. But hey, its my blog. I can write about what I want. I guess I close with two things...

Thankfulness that the Lord is continually using things and people to shape and humble and challenge us, even things we don't expect.

And then an encouragement to go see the movie, especially if you are a Celine fan, while you still have the chance!!

Classes that Change You

Today, as I took a midterm (yes, a midterm only 4 weeks into school), I wondered if my professor would accept a letter about how this class is impacting my mind and heart in lieu of answers to the actual exam questions. I can imagine the letter now:

Dear Dr. Bayer,

I am sorry for not knowing the answers to questions 27-100, but I just wanted you to know that the content of this class is really impacting my life. I attach this letter to an otherwise blank exam, in hopes that you will forgive my lack of knowledge and still give me an A for engaging the content in this way.

Sincerely,

Caroline Lamberth

Ok, I kid just a little bit. This is my favorite class and I really studied. I even had fun studying (such a dork I know) And Mom, don’t freak out, I definitely knew more than just a fourth of the answers to the questions asked. I did laugh however, that a good portion of my notes were not factual but devotional in nature. While those particular notes probably did not help me much on the test this morning, the Lord is really using them to stir my heart and impact my life.

I don’t usually like to throw a bunch of quotes up here without engaging them. But today I will give you just a few, so you can get a little taste of what I am learning up here and so that perhaps it may stir in your heart as well...

Here they are, from seriously one of my favorite professors, Dr. Bayer...

On sin- “If you have the idea that it is something you can manage, you have already lost.”

“Stay out of the mission of god if you want to stay away from the broken, the messy, the alien...out of trouble.”

‘You may not survive God’s mission, but the mission of God is going to be triumphant.”

On agendas- “The way I align myself with God’s agenda is giving up my plan to have a tidy, good, nice life. Jesus will interrupt you...he loves you too much.”

“Am I really just seeking a Christianized personal agenda?”

“The gospel is not ‘try Jesus’ but rather this is God’s world and he is teaching men how and enabling men to live in it.”

And the one I can’t get out of my head, “Do you really want to be a part of the mission of God, or do you just want to live you life with a little Christian paint over it?”

Oh, and my favorite quote from our book, The Message of Acts in the History of Redemption by Dennis Johnson:

"Acts shows us what prayer is like when praying people recognize the presence of Jesus the Lord. It is joyful and confident, for the one who is Lord and Christ is among us to hear our needs. There is awe-filled fear when we recognize his terrifying holiness. There is a pre-occupation not with ourselves- our ailments, comforts, conveniences, hurt feelings- but with the great cause of the king who walks in our midst. We ask to receive from his hand whatever will make us serviceable to him, useful for his saving purposes. We pray not because we must, but because we may, not out of lust for his gifts, but out of love for the giver; not to bend his will to ours but to bend our wills to his."

What a blessing it has been to hear and read these things day in and day out. Though meditating on these things might not give me a better grade, it is my hope that it will give me a deeper understanding the gospel and a deeper desire to live that gospel out in all the realities of my life.

Workout Woes

There are certain aspects of my life that very well might not make any sense to anyone who is not...well, me. My present workout situation is one of them. Though the family I live with has a complete workout facility literally 50 feet from my room- I can count the number of times I have used their eliptical, treadmill, or the tv to pop in Jillian's 30 Day Shred on one hand. Thus, this semester I have decided to fork out the $20 a month to join a gym 12 minutes away! It's been great actually and the number of times I have worked out in the past 2 weeks is at least double than all of last semester combined. So I am feeling good...

Or not so good. With the help and accountability of a couple of friends, I have made it to the gym before 6 am the past two days for some workout classes. And while I have done Yoga consistently for the past few years, I am not totally sure classes are my thing. Today, in the midst of a class that I believe was entitled "Drills That Make You Sweat", I began writing this blog post in my head:

The Top Ten Things that Make You Wonder Whether You Should Be in this Workout Class at All:

10. You do not walk, but rather waddle into class due to extreme soreness from the day before.

9. You are exhausted after the warm-up and anxiously glance up at the clock to see if class is almost over... alas, you have 55 more minutes to go.

8. Your friends who are with you for support can be found chuckling at your lack of coordination and your lack of ability to gracefully jump over the step.

7. During one particular drill, you look in the mirror and think you almost see a football player out at two-a-days! (This may be attributed to the drill itself, or the way I looked in the mirror...I will assume the former).

6. The instructor has to come correct you with each and every new drill- and each time, though it is obvious that you are 28 years old, smiles and condescendingly (oh I mean, compassionately) calls you "sweetie".

5. You notice that the lady next to you is not 28, but closer to 68... and that she has twice as much weight as you on her bar...and that while you feel like you are about to fall over, she appears completely unaffected by all the lunging and "bun-burning."

4. Somewhere along the way you start wondering what you will eat for breakfast and if you have time to stop at Starbucks on the way to school.

3. You are the having the awake kind of nightbares of Billy-Blanks (you know, the Tae-Bo instructor) yelling at you that he can see you and that you better keep doing those butt drills because it is almost swimsuit season.

2. You get excited because you are pretty sure you hear your instructor announce "nap-time", then are crushed to realize that the actual phrase she energetically shouted across the room was indeed "ab-time!"

1. Cher comes on the workout-mix and you are thinking that it would probably be infinitely better to be sitting at her concert than on your ab-mat right now!

Only redeemable part of the workout (besides the friends there and the fact that I have already lost 40 lbs and toned all my muscles in just two days...)... the 90's workout mix complete with my very favorite N'SYNC song... DIRTY POP!

Alright, I am off to class....sadly no time for Starbucks. To all my readers out there....may your day be much less humbling than mine!

I'm in Love...

People had told me it would happen when I came up to St. Louis. I had hoped it was true, but had decided it was highly unlikely. But, indeed it has happened to me, and happened in much deeper way than I had anticipated. I am in love...

WITH SCHOOL!

Sorry for all of you who were hoping for something a little more fun and juicy. And I hope that the news comes as somewhat of a relief to those of you who would be offended about hearing such news about a boy via my blog. Never fear!

But the truth is every day this semester I have walked out of class overwhelmed with how much I love school. Some of you know because I have sent you ridiculous text messages that say so, to which you maybe have responded, "you would or you are such a dork." But regardless I do love school, and each day this semester, I have been overwhelmed with the joy and privilege that is to be here at this time of my life, thankful for the specific schedule that the Lord has given me at this particular season in my life, thankful for the ways he is working in my heart each day through the things my professors have to say.

One of the most impactful things thus far have been the very first words spoken by my professor on my very first day of class, Acts and Paul! He introduced our class and the book of Acts by asking us this question, "Do you really want to be caught up in the mission of God or do you just want to live your life with a little Christian paint over it?"

I was particularly struck with this phrase "caught up." As I look at my life, I see how easy it is to get caught up in so many things, so consumed by them that they fill my thoughts, my conversations, my time, that they drive my whole life. What would it truly look like to be truly caught up in the mission of God, in a way that his agenda completely supersedes my own? For this mission to be the thing that fills my thoughts, my conversations, my time, that drives my entire life?

I feel like if I were to meditate on this one question and pray towards this one end for this entire semester, it would truly change my life! And this is only the beginning!

If you pray for me, would you please pray that as school and the semester continues, and it is so easy to get caught up in so many things, even school itself, that I would truly get caught up in the mission of God and the person of Christ! And that love for school would actually drive me to a much deeper, much more supreme love... a love for Christ!

Not Smarter than a 5th Grader...

It is official, I'm not smarter than a 5th grader. In fact, I'm not even smarter than a 4th grader. (Don't tell my grad school though...they might kick me out:))

As many of you know, I am nannying for a precious family of 7 kids! They are wonderful and I LOVE them. I like to feel like I am helpful around the house. But tonight I am not so sure.

The oldest 2 kids who are in 4th and 5th grade needed some help with their math homework. And I figure, "hey, I have a college degree (never mind that is in English), I can do this!" Well, not so much. First I was confronted with a word problem that went something like this:

A man went to the store to pick up some groceries. The store was 20 miles away from his house. On the way there he traveled at 30 mph. On the way home, he hit some traffic and traveled at 12 mph. How long did the round trip take him?

SERIOUSLY? I don't know, and don't really care. The real question I was asking was why in the heck this man went to a store 20 miles away? What could he possibly need?

Then, if that word problem wasn't bad enough, the next thing I had to tackle was Algebra. I honestly can't remember the last time I had to do math with letters. The page looked something like this:

x + 3x = x + x + 10

6x + 1 = 4x + x

8 + x + 7x + 10000x = 2x + 12x - 15x

4th grade math? Really?!?! Looks like Greek to me!

Whatever, I can read Greek! This is a whole new ball game!

If anyone knows where I can pick up a good calculator, or Word Problems for Dummies, please let me know. I'd hate for my precious children to fail their math homework on account of their genius or not so much baby-sitter!

HELP!

PS. If any of my math genius siblings are reading this and know the answers... please don't comment. I KNOW you are smarter than me. No need to rub it in!

Film & Theology

January is pretty great up here at the seminary. Regular classes are suspended, and a handful of electives are offered either as week-long or weekend courses. Last weekend, I took a class on Campus Ministry and it's connection to the church. More to come on that later. This weekend, I had the great privilege of taking a class entitled Film and Theology- an entire class on how as believers can faithfully engage film and authentically engage people through film. Our mornings were filled with lecture and discussion, and each afternoon was spent watching a film and discussing it as a group. I honestly don't think I could have asked for anything better...

I found however, that this class, like so many others, really surprised me. I went in thinking I was going to learn more about film, how to engage it, and how it as art is a reflection of who God is, his story, and who we are as his image bearers. An expectation that was fulfilled indeed. However, I left thinking less about film and more about people. Through the movies that we watched, the books we read, the discussion we had, I left with this one primary question running through my head each day, 'Caroline, do you really love people?'

Do I love people enough to listen?

Do I love people enough to engage their story?

Do I love people who are different than me?

Do I love people as people and not as a means to an end?

Will I love people when it is inconvenient?

Will I love people when it is a sacrifice?

Will I love people for who they are and not who I want or expect them to be?

Will I view all people as exceedingly valuable?

Will I view all people as made in God's image?

Will I view all stories as one's that are infinitely worthy of engaging in and listening to?

The final movie we watched today was documentary entitled Nanking. It tells the brutal and heart-wrenching truth of the massacres brought on the common Chinese people by the Japanese army during WWII, and it tells the story to 8 heroic Westerners who gave their lives to save the lives of thousands of China's "least of these." Through watching and discussing the film, it became evident that none of these Westerners saw their deeds as especially heroic, but rather as simply, inescapably the right thing to do. As our professor commented, their actions were merely the overflow of who they already were. Their actions in the midst of a horrifically unjust and inhumane situation were merely the overflow of their hearts.

It became my prayer as I walked out of class today, that by God's grace, he would make me into such a person. That loving people, all people, deeply, authentically, humbly sacrificially would become the overflow of my heart. That I would see and value all people as our God sees and values them... in such a way listening to, loving, engaging, serving, and giving away my life for them would both the beat of my heart and the joy of my soul. And that one day, no matter who and what the Lord calls me to, I might look back at my life and say as one missionary did, 'I have never known a sacrifice.'

If you the time, I would highly recommend the movies that we watched this week. All were extremely thought provoking... primarily leading me to ask the questions, "What am I really living for?" and "How do I really treat people?" I'd encourage you to watch them all and discuss them with other people...

Stranger than Fiction... An extremely thought provoking comedy starring Will Farrell, Emma Thompson, Dustin Hoffman, Maggie Gyllenhall, and Queen Latifah about how one man finds freedom, meaning, and life as he finds out his life is actually being written by someone else.... LOVED IT!

Run Lola Run... A German film, probably my least favorite we watched all week. (Maybe because I still don't totally understand it.) I did enjoy it as a film however. If you watch it and figure out the whole message, let me know! :)

WIT... A heart wrenching and deeply impacting film that follows a literature professor's battle with Stage 4 ovarian cancer. This film authentically brings to light the beauty and value of humanity, but uncovers the ugly darkness of the inhumane way we can often treat one another.

Starring Emma Thompson. Watch it with your kleenex nearby.

Nanking... As hard as it was to watch, I was impacted by this movie the most. It is crazy to me that I have heard stories of WWII for my entire life and had never heard this one. This movie made me think so much about what is going on the world that we don't even know, or that we choose not to see, and what we, especially as Christians, are called to do in the midst of it. I'd say if you watch any of these...watch this one!

Enjoy your movie watching! Can't wait to hear what you think. Oh, and if anyone has any good movie suggestions...please leave them here! I can't get enough right now.

Resolution...Blogging!

Some of you have been harassing me about the lack of blogging I have been doing since moving to STL and especially in the past few months! So Lindsay, Karen, Mindy, Amy, Mom, and Pops ... this blog post is especially for you!

Therefore, one of my resolutions for this year is to start blogging again! You may be wondering why I have waited until January 17th to get this resolution started. Well... Resolutions tend to not go very well for me. My most recurring resolution to give up diet coke never seems to last very long, and somehow by late afternoon on January first I find myself popping open a can and attempting to convince myself and everyone around me that I actually NEED Diet Coke in my life! Therefore, I figured if I waited until now I would have a better chance of at least one New Year's resolution making it until February!

I only kid... not about the diet coke, but about the blogging! I really am going to put my best effort forth to keep up the blog! Funny that I started it to keep up with family and friends when I moved up here to STL, and actually blogged more when those I loved lived within a few miles than when I am miles and miles away and freezing up here in the arctic! But now that I am up here in STL and not really sure the next time I will see everyone, I am back to the blog!

A very quick update... I ended up having a great first semester. I loved school far more than I had ever dreamed (weirdly enough I even LOVED being buried in the library for hours on end studying and writing papers!) and am so confirmed that I am exactly where the Lord wants me to be! I had the great privilege of being home for 3 weeks over Christmas, getting to spend time with so many family and friends and so many of my girls from church! I honestly, could not have asked for more!

I am really excited and thankful to be back up here for the semester! On Monday I had a 10 hour drive by myself which could have been brutal (especially because much of the drive was through the ever-so-boring state of Oklahoma!) But the Lord really just filled me with this sense of peace, and joy, and anticipation for all that he has in store for me in the coming months. Being back here this week has felt so good and so normal- coming back the amazing family I live with, and the absolutely precious family I nanny for, seeing my friends, going back to class this weekend, and going to my church today! It's just been good...oh and the cold left right before I got back too, thank goodness!

Here are a few pics of some highlights from the past few months...

More blog updates to come this week...

Oh and on a final note... CONGRATULATIONS to my amazing sister Lindsay who this weekend was cast as one of the leads in OKCU's Spring Musical... Thoroughly Modern Millie!!! I love you and am sooo proud of you!

One of my closest new friends Susan and I at our Birthday Party some friends threw for us here in STL! Love you Sus!!!

Helen, my very best friend and roommate from college who is now in NYC! Hel, sooo loved getting to hang out with you at home!!

One of my very favorite things about being at home is all the great cousin time we get over the Holidays! This was one of my favorite nights, many of the 'Lamberth' cousins out at Barcadia for my birthday! (John, Becky, Me, Lindsay, Maggie, and Katie!)

A little reunion with my college besties (minus Helen). Gillean, Karen, Mindy, Me, and Lucy!)

Some of my sweet new friends from school at the Covenant Christmas Banquet! (Me, Jenilyn, Susan, Hillary, Jessica, and Hayden!)

That's all for now friends...

Air Travel...

Well, friends! After a very long day of travel, I have arrived here in Philly safe and sound. For those of you were wondering, I did not get the tiki hut room again this year! I'm honestly pretty bummed out about it and wondering if the conference is going to be nearly as fun in just a plain ol' hotel room.

Today, I spent far longer than I would ever like to in airports and on airplanes. Traveling for extended hours gives you a lot of thinking time. Don't worry, I will not post all today's thoughts on this blog. Too exposing...I will however post the top ten questions that came to my mind regarding air travel. And without further adieu, here they are, in no particular order...

10. Why would an airport advertise for a TCBY that they do not have, thus making hungry travelers walk down an extra 10 gates only to be disappointed?

9. Why do they tell you to wipe out the sink basin in the airplane bathroom with a towel when you can just as easily lift up the stopper and let all the water out?

8. Why is it so important to turn off all your electronics before take off and landing? Seriously, if I had accidentally left my i-pod on, what would happen to my plane?

7, Why in the world would an airline make you fly through Dallas on your way from St. Louis to Philadelphia? I mean, have they ever looked at a map?

6. Why was American Airlines not willing to work with my social schedule and give me a little longer lay-over in DFW so I could get out and see some peeps?

5. Why is it that restaurants like McDonalds, Chilis, and Auntie Anne's pretzels always taste so much better in airports? (Ok, I shouldn't throw Auntie Anne's under the bus, I love that place!)

4. Is the only way to get free stuff on the airplane these days to flirt incessantly with the flight attendant? The guys in front of me got free vodka AND peanuts after shamelessly flirting with our stewardess. So not fair... the male flight attendant was at the front of the plane.

3. Is it funny to anyone else that people will have deep conversations for an entire 3 hour plane ride and then finally tell each other their names when the plane is about to land?

2. Is taking a carry on bag in order to save $60 (yes...that is $30 for each bag, each way!) really going to save me money later on when I have to have back surgery from lugging my ridiculously heavy bags through the airport all day?

1. Who are all these people? Where are they going? What are their stories?

The last question really did get me as I walked to the back of the plane... I was just one of maybe 2oo people on my flight, which was just one of the many flights that left today, out of a single airport. Really made me wonder...what is everyone's story?

Finally, I would like to give a shout out to my brother John (who undoubtedly will NEVER read this...so if you see him, tell him). Out of his graciousness and in exchange for my couches, he bought me this ticket! Thanks, John!

More from Philly coming soon...

God's Gracious Timing...

Today, I have officially been here for 3 months. Time is such a funny thing. Sometimes it feels like I just arrived, and at other times it feels as if I have always been here, that this has always been my life. But regardless of how time feels, I know how my heart feels today- so thankful for this season, so thankful to be here, so thankful that the Lord has graciously given me this opportunity, this privilege.

I am also so thankful for the great privilege I have tomorrow- going up to Philly for the CCEF Conference! In these two things, I see God's gracious timing so clearly. As many of you know, Philly and CCEF had been my plan for so very long, a plan I had held so tightly to- even after coming to Covenant. And as excited as I was about the Conference, I also dreaded and at the same time hoped, that this weekend would confirm that I wasn't supposed to be here in STL at all, that my plan had been right- God's wrong, and that I could come back here knowing I was supposed to go up there.

But God's timing is so good! Today, I sat in class thinking- "I love this so much." And as I think about life, I honestly would not want to be anywhere else right now. And tomorrow I go to Philly, for what I hope will be an incredibly shaping, challenging, and refreshing weekend. But at the end of it, I know I will come home to a place, and people, and a life I love! Praise the Lord!

Seriously, I couldn't be more excited about the Conference. Over the past several years, it has been one of the most encouraging and influential parts of my life and ministry. I can only guess that this years is going to be the same. The entire weekend is on sex- looking at it from a biblical-creation, fall, redemption, and glorification framework. I am really excited because this is a topic I don't think the church talks about well or enough. I'm sure I will have much to say upon returning from the Conference, and as I think and ponder these things in the days and weeks to come.

For those of you who are not familiar with CCEF, check them out! There are not many people I would rather sit under and learn from than these godly, humble people who so profoundly apply the truths of the gospel to the realities and struggles of life.

Also, I am anxiously anticipating my hotel room. Last year without even requesting it, I got to stay in this...

I can only hope I'll be so lucky this year!

Library Fun

Now I know many of you think that the title to this post is an utter oxymoron. I likewise shared your opinion until this Saturday. I had been effectively avoiding spending an entire day in the library this semester, but on Saturday I had no other choice- I had to give in. And so, on what was probably the most beautiful day we have had in a looong time, I packed up my stuff and headed up to the library for a focused day of study and research! You should be proud.

Or maybe not. On this particular afternoon, I managed to find plenty of people to talk to in the library and found the one person studying in the student center who clearly needed me to talk to her long enough for her to become my new favorite person here in STL.

During this "study break" of which the duration shall remain undefined, I left my computer unattended. Clearly someone else in the library was looking for a little fun, someone, I might add whose identity is still completely unknown to me. Because when I returned to my computer a little (ok a lot) later that afternoon, I found this on my desktop...

Nothing like that to give you good laugh. Nothing like that to tell you you just may have been away from your computer for a little too long. And nothing like that to creep you out enough to get you packing your books and getting the heck out of there as fast as you possibly can. I mean, for real, what if that cat was roaming the stacks? Needless to say, I was out the door in less than 10...

How Firm A Foundation

I have been reminded much over the past several months that life in our broken world is full of suffering-suffering that truly takes all shapes and sizes- some is temporary, some will last for a lifetime. Suffering is something we would rarely choose and it typically comes in forms we would never expect. My old boss and pastor, Mark, always used to say that in this life you are always either going into a trial, going through a trial, or coming out of a trial. The longer I live and the more I am in relationships, the more I realize this is true.

In the midst of this the Lord keeps reminding me that the gospel must and does speak to this, that it provides light in our darkness, strength in our weakness, and hope in our despair- a hope that is not a vain wishing, but is rather sure and secure, that does not disappoint because it is wrapped up in the person and promises of Jesus Christ. Our hope is that while none of our trials and suffering seem "slight and momentary" what lies ahead of us as believers is "a weight of glory beyond all comparison." Our hope is for that glorious day where we will be ushered out of our trials and suffering, and the kingdom of God will be fully and finally ushered in! And our comfort as we wait for this day, lies in the glorious reality of the presence and purpose of God in our sufferings.

We sang this hymn today in church that was such a great reminder to me of these truths. It reminded me of the promises, person, and purpose that are present with us in our sufferings. And it hope to cling to and truths to pray for those I know and love who right now truly find themselves in the "rivers of sorrow" and "fiery trials" and who feel without a doubt that theirs is "the soul that all hell doth endeavor to break." May these words encourage your heart as well...

How Firm a Foundation...

How firm a foundation, you saints of the Lord

Is laid for your faith in his excellent Word!

What more can he say than you to you he hath said

To you, who for refuge to Jesus have fled?

"Fear not I am with you, O be not dismayed,

For I am your God and will still give you aid;

I'll strengthen you, help you, and cause you to stand

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand."

"When through the deep waters I call you to go,

the rivers of sorrow shall not you overflow

For I will be with you, your troubles to bless

And sanctify to you your deepest distress."

"When through fiery trials your pathway shall life,

My grace, all sufficient, shall be your supply;

The flame shall not hurt you, I only design

Your dross to consume and your gold to refine."

"The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,

I will not, I will not, desert to his foes;

That soul, though all hell, should endeavor to break,

I'll never, no never, no never forsake."